'You can't return to where you never left...'

We are all living the projection of our brain.

A human brain is wired towards living through its memories time and time again. But for some this could take an extreme turn: what if reminiscing about the past, or fantasizing about the future doesn’t leave space to actually living your life? This is the story of a soul who like so many of us was lost somewhere in-between and looking fir her way back.

Living on-the-go, chasing the shadows of the past not appreciating what’s right in front…

Oh, and did she pay the price. Lost in the labyrinth of self-doubt and fear, her only happy place was the comfort of past mistakes, or the time she thought she was happiest. Meanwhile, life was sending more beautiful things her way, but of course those mostly went unnoticed.

When you’re haunted by the past, it’s just so easy to ignore the present currents of joy - it’s almost as if you’re intentionally ignoring them to further convince yourself that there’s never going to be anything better than you had. For me, that sweet escape was the candy-colored Los Angeles circa 2016 - living in my dream city, both hopeful and desperate, learning to love and forgive no matter what for the first time. It’s ironic how lovers and friends turn into bleak memories of joy and betrayal, laughs, tears, and sunrises, only to slowly fade away.

The catch here is to let them go before they become an obsession: I learnt the lesson hard way. Not being able to open up for the new and better, oh did I dwell on the ruins of the past. Sure, there’s just so many dwellers of the past, who just like me won’t dare to let go of a past lover, a place, or a feeling that is so enduring and keeps living in your brain giving you those endorphins. Trauma leaves you scars, and makes it hard to open up your heart for love. But there has to be a way to forget and move forward…

Don’t think about departing.

Don’t let your past dwellings and mistakes eclipse the beautiful now. But also do not let future worries fuel your anxiety. A banality and the buddhistic commandment no.1 that is very hard to implement in our culture of pursuing material returns. No planning, no reminiscing, just being. Be it pain, happiness, or the unknown itself - just live through it, minute by minute.

Easier said than done, of course. But once done, you’ll start noticing a myriad of unexpected revelations and opportunities coming your way. A guy at the coffeeshop you go to every morning offering a glass of water, a child noticing your pink-shade glasses - so many of them there just to let you know that you are not alone.

Stepping off the Cedarwood road.

‘I was running down the road
The fear was all I knew…

U2, Cedarwood Road.

For me, the acceptance of being led to another unexpected revelation: I no longer needed to prove my worth. Neither to my peers, nor to my partner, or parent. Letting go of expectation and ambition is probably the most subtle transformation that ever happened to me.

Can’t say that I’m particularly happy, probably just becoming more numb, passively watching it all happen to me, as if from the outside of my being. Did I experience a higher intensity of feelings? Am I appreciating the people sent my way? I’m not sure but I’m just starting to learn to live in this vantage point of indifference.

/to be continued/